eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
