My underwear smells like fireworks.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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