I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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