dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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