Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
