Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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