I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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