She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
