Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
