The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
