um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
