They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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