2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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