What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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