She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
