Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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