My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
