I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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