I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
