So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
