If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
