The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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