My room smells like vodka and shame
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize