I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He passed out mid-signature
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
