I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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