dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
