The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize