I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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