Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
In America we eat man semen.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
