My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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