she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
