I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
