The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize