you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just gift wrapped bread.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
