I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
