grandma shit on top of the toilet
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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