the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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