You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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