I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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