dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
