the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize