Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
