i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
