Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You took a bar mat shot.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
