Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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