As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
