so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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