So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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