My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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