fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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