question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
