Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize