just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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