Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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