I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
