Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
