Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
